The restlessness really gets to me late at night. I guess you could say really early in the morning instead. I feel almost jittery with anxiety and restlessness. I find weird things to focus on. Like picking at my fingernails or playing with the loose string on a piece of clothing. Some nights when I should be getting off the couch to go to bed I’ll just sit there for awhile. TV’s off. There’s no music playing. But I’m still sitting there in silence lost in my head. Thinking in circles. Thinking about school and travel and money and CF. Always thinking about CF. So tired of thinking about CF.
And then when I finally do go to bed I sleep for much longer than eight hours. Much longer than is necessary. The alarm goes off; all the alarms go off and somehow I can either sleep through them or turn them off and let myself go back to sleep. Every time. I can let go of the restlessness when I sleep. I can let go of the frustration and impatience with the doctors who don’t seem to know how to fix me when I sleep. The world can sometimes be a better place in my dreams. I’m not crawling out of my skin with restlessness there.
But then when my back hurts and I can’t sleep any longer and I realize what time it is I’m angry with myself for living in that world without restlessness for longer than I should have. I feel unproductive. I feel like I let my parents down so I try to hide the truth of how late I slept from them. I’m ashamed of it and I ask myself if my life is really so bad that I can’t get out of bed before noon. Then because I slept in late the day seems too short so I stay up late again and the cycle starts all over.
I thought I could just steel myself and make the decision that I’m better than this and that I will start my days earlier and that that would make it so. But I still can’t pull it off. I thought I would be better after the day that I woke up so late I didn’t have time to do all the errands that I wanted to do in the city before meeting friends for supper. I was so angry with myself that morning and I said a lot of things to myself that I shouldn’t have. Then I cried most of the way on the drive into the city and I was not a very fun or positive friend to be out for dinner with. I felt so beaten down that whole day that I cried on the way home too. But in reality I was probably the one that threw most of the punches. I thought things would get better after that but no such luck. I thought and hoped that things would be better after the trip to Mexico too but so much shit has happened since I got back that I’ve just gone back to sleeping. Always sleeping. The restlessness and impatience and frustration and anxiety – it all goes away when I sleep. At least until I wake up and see the clock.
I wrote the paragraphs above at about three in the morning this past Saturday. I’m going through some challenges with my Cystic Fibrosis and it just feels like it’s been month after month with no improvement. I’m feeling a little let down by my doctor because I feel like he’s not sure what to do with me and I feel like he’s not as concerned with some of the issues I’m having as he should be. I’ve also been waiting for several months to see a specialist that may be able to help me quite a bit and I have yet to receive an appointment letter from them as they are apparently very behind in seeing patients. I’m also only working casual hours right now and have to wait until the first week of May to find out if I got into the school I applied to attend in the fall. I seem to be in a very weird state of limbo with all of these things right now and, as I mentioned above, the restlessness, frustration, and impatience seem to be getting to me. I think writing this definitely helped.